How would you like to suck my balls? Mrs. Garrison.

I just thought you should know.

This is sort of like confessional for me. I know it's been a while, but I also know that nobody really gives a fuck anyway. Besides, the Rapture is supposed to be this weekend anyway- so Jesus has better things to do than listen to me whine.

I've Been Doing Some Thinking...

This morning on the radio they were talking to a women who's fiancee had died so she decided to get a tattoo in memory of him. I'm cool with that. She very rationally decided that she shouldn't get his name or his picture out of respect for her future relationships, so she decided to get a tattoo of his favorite car.

So I've been doing some thinking. The way I see it, since the wife gets a whole bunch of life insurance money when I die I want her to get a tattoo in my honor should I die before her. And I of course would want her to have something respectful and tactful in terms of a memorial tattoo as well. Something that is special and expresses the love that I have for her. Something that subtly sums up our relationship of mutual respect and most of all, communication.

Here it is.



And I think she needs to have this tattooed in the tradional "tramp stamp" position. So that way whoever she's humping after I'm dead and gone will see this.



Just a thought.

Because Jesus Loves You.

I Done Went to China....

And when they opened up the plane it was five minutes before the empty beer cans stopped hitting the ground.

China is a filthy place. Polluted. I doubt if the people there realize how absolutely filthy the air is.

So there was this dude from Oregon at the conference I was at named Brian. This is in fact his real name, and yes it is that Brian you are thinking of. After the second day Brian decides he wants to get a massage at the hotel we're all staying at. So he goes down to the 3rd floor and, looking at the price chart, decides to get he most expensive one listed. After all, it's only about $50- right? So, being a typical Chinese Massage, it began with three dudes in speedos rubbing him down and ended in a happy ending. Brian was so excited to get said happy ending that he tried to draw it out as long as possible. So he says.

I didn't get a handjob while I was there. But I did learn that you can get a hooker for 450 rmb per half hour. I didn't get one of those either, though I did try to convince my room mate to fork out 450 so we could get two hookers to do a dyke show for us. He wouldn't bite.

Probably for the best.

Oh, no, wait. That's a cop. Eh, what the difference.

"So would you like to help me straighten out my Longfellow?"

Some people are just born with a bit of poetry in their hearts. Generally speaking, those people tend to irritate the shit out of me, but every now and then a poetic genius will come along who has something work saying.

Here are a few examples of literary works that I honestly believe will last the test of time and one day will probably even come to be taught in university classrooms.

A few classics written by the gentle hearted, poetic great Andrew Silverstein:

Hickory Dickory Dock.
My balls fell out of my jock.
I laid them to rest
On some hooker's chest
And paddled her face with my cock.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Will she blow me in the car.
I bought her dinner, she had fun.
My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.

Whacked off in the movie theater.
Sprayed his load across the screen
And ruined Titanic's final scene

Little Boy Blue -
He needed the money.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty

That fuckin' whore.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Trim that pussy it's too damn hairy

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone
When she bent over,
Her Rover took over
And she got a bone of her own.

My boobs are just so big! I mean, I just have big ass boobs. That scarf sure is pretty, but it's just the boooooobs that keep it from going.

I was trying to think of a title for this post and out of the blue that's what my wife just said. It somehow seemed to capture a certain "Insérer mot aléatoire français" that I was looking for.

So today I'm sitting here minding my own business. It's Friday. I don't have to do anything except whore myself out like a fucking clown later this evening. And I mean that, I'm going to go entertain a bunch of kids fucking Bobo style. Kinda like this...

In other news, I've just booked my flight to China in December.

During my stay in China I am going to miss seeing women with hips and titties. I'm not really into chicks with little boy figures. And oddly enough when Chinese women get older they take on a shape not unlike Spongebob.

I envision my trip to be a little bit like this.

My Theme Song

This is the song that generally plays in my head. Almost all the time. I like it that way.

And yes, it is the titties.

During sex the Mrs. likes to wear her sex socks (see previous post), means she's ready for makin' love. I just walk into the room naked and slap my right ass check.

Then while we're making sweet love I say to her:

She hates that.

Locking the Door

Sometimes a locked door is a wonderful thing to have in the morning. So there I was, asleep, possibly snoring in a very sexy way, looking cute and cuddly with my usual morning wood. And like all women who have been married for over 10 years, rather then molest me while I sleep as she once did, my wife thought this would be a fine opportunity to work on a knitting project in peace.

And then disaster struck. For her knitting project. For you see, like the undead hordes of hell, the unholy host from which all evil and fornication are spawned, like the first awakening of youthful lust corrupted by a lifetime of sick and twisted yet very creative thoughts- I awoke.

A crazed look in my eye, I spied her non-heaving bosom. Her sleep pants, not revealing the hotbed of desire that I knew awaited my attention, gently refusing to contour even remotely to her curvaceous body.

Seeing that I was awake she looked me deeply in the eye, in a way that I knew suggested that she wanted me so much she couldn't help herself. Or maybe it meant something else....

"I'm out of coffee. When you get up to take a leak bring the carafe." And then she hid her lustful thoughts behind what I knew to be the false appearance of intense focus on her knitting.

Sexily, I went pee and got her some coffee. And while I was at it, got some for me as well. I finished my cup with a grin that was sure to make her want me more then anything, at least, if I could get her to look at me.

She started talking about the different kind of yarn she was knitting with and why it had certain qualities. I took this as an invitation to make my move.

I started kissing her ankle and then slowly moved up her leg, then down the other. She didn't stop me- not because she was interested- but mostly I think she just didn't notice my advances.

I removed her sleep pants. This did not escape her notice.

"Don't be surprised if I'm too focused on this for much response. I have to count rows."

With this, I went to work, utilizing the skills acquired from decades of cunnilingus experience, and a training manual I once read, I slowly began to tease her with my tongue....

To make a not so long, but rather involved story short, I was able to change her focus.

Ouch My Balls.

Tell the truth, you think about this a lot. A romantic evening. Just you and Princess Leia and Chewy. Maybe a double ended dildo and a jar of nutella. Oh yeah, I know how you roll.

Laura and I.

Damn, this is something I would do.

I admit that I like the above version of Laura Croft better than this one.

Though I wouldn't mind pretending it was this one.

Or shit, while we're pretending to wank off, let's go for the gusto. How about her.

So, anyway. I dropped off the tee-totaling French kid in Charlotte for the weekend. I feel like a kid who's parents are gone for the weekend. So I did what any rational teenager would do when his or her parents are away. I took my girl to a movie, drank two pitchers of beer while watching the Wolfman, stopped by a quickie mart for more beer, and then took her home for some hard core bondage style fucking. Rope can be your friend.

It's all because I am long and strong and down to get the friction on.

My Cock and Balls.

Women will sometimes ask about how big my cock and balls are. There are two problems with this question. One, truthfully my cock and balls are fairly average in size and two, I obviously didn't get her drunk enough.

My theory when I was in the game was that if I attempted to shag petit women I could aid in the acceptability of the size of my pecker as well as the expediency with which I can get her drunk.

I mean come on, to a pigmy six inches is fucking huge.

At a Medium Pace.

I was just thinking about both of my loyal followers and wanted to find a song to express how I feel about you. It's really your support, kind thoughts and prayers to 6 lb 7oz dear lord baby Jesus that keep me going. So here's to you, hot babe loyal followers.

Yes, that was for you. I think we should hug or something.

Radda Radda Radda Radda. And Shit.

Schnitzel is pretty cool.

Okay, no lame ass political rants- I promise. I don't know what came over me. I didn't get laid for a couple of days over the Mrs. "special time in the red tent" and next thing you know I started thinking about less important things than freaky sex. But I'm all better now.

Freaky sex is important- in the immortal words of the Sheriff:

Words to live by.

I really have nothing important to say, something that I think both of my reads will appreciate. I recently noticed that I lost a reader, giving me a 33% decrease in readership. This would be very negative if this were a business. However, this is actually worse as the reader I lost is the one who posted pictures of her tits in every blog. Sad really. I liked looking at her tits.

The bird.

This is cool. Wiki the bird.

What do you mean I can't shoot people?

Here are my actual political views that I generally don't share. Don't bother arguing your point of view with me. I don't really care what you think.

1) For the first time in my life I voted for a Democrat for President, Obama. My favorite candidate was actually Ron Paul. I didn't think he would be a good president, but by and large I liked what he had to say. I didn't vote for McCain for two reasons- I think he's too aggressive and reactionary and I think Sarah Palin was evidence of that. I don't think she's stupid, but I think she was in no way ready for the international stage. Bush was a fucking shitmonkey.

2) Am I happy with my choice of Obama? Not really. For example, I am a huge proponent of health care reform, but I think we should reform the system that we already have- not gut it and do something completely different. Simply because what we have right now is broken, but we know exactly how it is broken. By implementing something totally different we would just get a bunch of problems that we haven't experienced before and be broken again. I did vote for him to shake things up, leading us away from the conservative Christian government we had before- but I think it's not working.

3) And this is a big one, we are Americans. We might disagree about a lot of things, but in the end we are Americans. Our nation is falling because we have become fat, lazy, and stupid. All because of our own selfishness. We as a people have allowed things to get way out of hand and as a result we are giving up our civil liberties left and right. The American Revelation was started because we were pissed about 5% taxation. What the fuck is happening now?

4) Our current "wars." I support our troops 100%, but our leaders who sent them overseas are douche bags. we have the finest military the world has ever seen. But the Military is a weapon. Like any weapon, it will reliably kill whatever it is pointed at. The way I see it, there are two reasons to go to war: 1)An immediate threat to our nation or 2) out of a desire to conquer and increase our holdings. Now I get why we invaded Afghanistan. The American people demanded blood, so Bush had to give it to them. Simple as that. I honestly don't know if the blood we got was the right blood or not. Our invasion of Iraq was more to do with #2, and I'm okay with that- but let's call a spade a spade. We invaded both countries to get to the oil reserves and pipelines. Okay, cool. What's the big fucking deal?

5) As a nation we are fat, stupid, selfish, and generally not worth pissing in a boot for. And we choose to be this way. Get up off of your fat fucking ass and do something. If you are not happy with who and what you are, shut the fuck up. You did this to yourself in many ways. Don't fucking whine to me, get to work. Maybe our government has gotten so out of hand that we can't do anything about it, but it'll collapse under it's own weight anyway- and good riddance. But what are you doing for you? America is the greatest prison in the world because most Americans actually think that they are free. You are not. You are imprisoned by your greed and selfishness. You are imprisoned by credit cards, McDonald's, Wal-Mart, and most of all your own selfish belief that you are free. You believe that freedom has been achieved, and therefore you turn your back on it like it's a job done and over. That's why you are not free. You are a prisoner of yourself. Asshole.

In the end, you are a prisoner of your own mind.

Totally Tits!

That's one of my favorite sayings. I like it because it makes me think of tits.





I like tits.

Dr. Venture for President

I started fucking with some of my more conservative friends on face book about this whole Obama in Massachusetts thing. I stated that I don't give a fuck about any of it. They took this to mean that I don't care about this country, the economy, the overall state of the world, and whether or not Jesus is going to show up to save out asses. What I really meant was that I don't care what they think. Furthermore, if I am so inclined, I will post something to fuck with their opinions no matter what they are. Boy, they'd be really pissed if I told them what I think of organized religion. I'm not a misogynist like Paul- I loves the pussy too much for the hatin'.

Don't get me wrong I do actually have my own opinions, but I don't think that they matter to anybody but me.

So. The wife is away with her cousin in Lexington, KY to hang out. Hopefully she will get the break that she wanted and come back a happier, healthier Mrs.

Anyway, here I sit. Alone with the dog and only the light of the computer screen to keep me company. I have, however, found the solution to all of my problems. This is also a solution that I believe can help you. I feel that this short video has summed up the teachings of the Buddha and the eternal Doa all in one. Please watch this and enjoy. I think that you will be enlightened.

Show Me Your Genitals (Jon Lajoie) - watch more funny videos

Oh, wait. No, that's not it. Yeah, it's this one. But hey, you can still show me your female genitals if you want to. I don't mind.

Yeah, here's the one on Doaism.

Not Giving a Fuck (Jon Lajoie) - watch more funny videos

Not giving a fuck is AWESOME! Budddha tested and Jesus approved! Loa Tzu would like it also, but he didn't even give enough of a fuck to watch the video.

Gots' to Get My Sweerve On.

On January 24 I will be 35 years old. And I don't really give a shit that I'm older. For some people birthdays have a special form of neuroses all their own, but for me it's a day all about me- and I'm okay with that. I only get pissed when the day isn't all about me.

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I haven't really had much all that interesting to say. I'm working my ass off, but business is going well. As far as I can tell my marriage is going well. The exchange student is working out fine. Well, she is a teetotaler, and therefore as you know is cramping my style. No more sending the kids upstairs so I can perform drunken cunnilingus on the wife while she watches House Hunters International. The International part is important when performing television viewing mustache rides. FYI.

In our case she likes to wear her love making socks.



I'm more of a two hour kinda guy. Because two hours of freak is better then one, ya know what I'm sayin'? That's right.

So, uh, fuck you I'm drinking whiskey as we speak.

Men Who Stare at Goats and then Fuck them When They're Not Looking.

I'll have you know that I have never in all my years fucked a goat nor any other beast. Not due to any great moral values, more a lack of opportunity having grown up in suburbia. And it seems that now that I do have some mild form of morality I find the idea of goat fucking rather lacking.



However, though in the above mentioned film there was a preponderance of goats and many, many characters of- shall we say- dubious connection to reality there was no real evidence of actual goat fucking. But between you and I, I have my doubts about Jeff Bridges character.

After drinking two pitchers of beer while watching the movie and then driving home, the Mrs. and I then discussed the concept of international evil with the exchange student. It seemed that some of the American high school kids were making fun of the Holocaust. Being from France, our student simply could not fathom such behavior. Nor can I, once again I feel let down by America's youth and our educational system. The many lessons of history, even those from not so long ago, are yet again lost. This is to be expected as the WWII generation is all but gone, but it is still disheartening.

Then the Mrs. and I took off and had freaky sex for about two hours, this time with a bottle of oil. You'd be surprised how far one ounce of oil can go.

Happy Birthday.

Friday is the Mrs. birthday. Unfortunately, she is completely laid up with an inflamed, fucked up lower back, pinching a nerve and leading to severe sciatica. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

We are still going to drive down to my parents house for some free birthday babysitting, but I don't think we are going to have the freaky ass sex filled exhibitionist weekend I was hoping for.

Here's what is going to happen: we are going to drive down there, hang out, watch some tv, drink a few beers, eat dinner, have her birthday cherry pie, and well, that's about it.

Here's what I would like to have happen and probably would have without her injury: We drive down there. Sit politely for the birthday pie. Get the fuck out of the house for a romantical birthday dinner somewhere with lots and lots of drinks. Go to a bar and talk, sneak her into a an ally in the bar corridor for a little making out and maybe more. Get in the car and go parking somewhere for a front seat blowjob and some back seat and then hood fucking. Then back to the house for some sex in my childhood bedroom. Then out to the 14th fairway for some fairway sex. Then sneak naked past my parents room (from the outside) back upstairs to my room to pass out.





Then to wake up for a well earned cup o coffee or ten.