Men Who Stare at Goats and then Fuck them When They're Not Looking.

I'll have you know that I have never in all my years fucked a goat nor any other beast. Not due to any great moral values, more a lack of opportunity having grown up in suburbia. And it seems that now that I do have some mild form of morality I find the idea of goat fucking rather lacking.



However, though in the above mentioned film there was a preponderance of goats and many, many characters of- shall we say- dubious connection to reality there was no real evidence of actual goat fucking. But between you and I, I have my doubts about Jeff Bridges character.

After drinking two pitchers of beer while watching the movie and then driving home, the Mrs. and I then discussed the concept of international evil with the exchange student. It seemed that some of the American high school kids were making fun of the Holocaust. Being from France, our student simply could not fathom such behavior. Nor can I, once again I feel let down by America's youth and our educational system. The many lessons of history, even those from not so long ago, are yet again lost. This is to be expected as the WWII generation is all but gone, but it is still disheartening.

Then the Mrs. and I took off and had freaky sex for about two hours, this time with a bottle of oil. You'd be surprised how far one ounce of oil can go.

Happy Birthday.

Friday is the Mrs. birthday. Unfortunately, she is completely laid up with an inflamed, fucked up lower back, pinching a nerve and leading to severe sciatica. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

We are still going to drive down to my parents house for some free birthday babysitting, but I don't think we are going to have the freaky ass sex filled exhibitionist weekend I was hoping for.

Here's what is going to happen: we are going to drive down there, hang out, watch some tv, drink a few beers, eat dinner, have her birthday cherry pie, and well, that's about it.

Here's what I would like to have happen and probably would have without her injury: We drive down there. Sit politely for the birthday pie. Get the fuck out of the house for a romantical birthday dinner somewhere with lots and lots of drinks. Go to a bar and talk, sneak her into a an ally in the bar corridor for a little making out and maybe more. Get in the car and go parking somewhere for a front seat blowjob and some back seat and then hood fucking. Then back to the house for some sex in my childhood bedroom. Then out to the 14th fairway for some fairway sex. Then sneak naked past my parents room (from the outside) back upstairs to my room to pass out.





Then to wake up for a well earned cup o coffee or ten.

Here's what I think.

In other news, we have a French exchange student. Good kid. Today we took her to the Cherokee Reservation so she could truly see what horrible, warlike assholes us Americans are. Cherokee has an excellent museum, which we went to, an authentic type village, which we did not go to, a theatrical presentation called "Unto These Hills", which we missed, and a Casino, which we also missed. So we did very little while there. We did hit a tourist trap, and of the hundreds of people there we think we saw a real Cherokee working at a coffee shop.

www.Cherokee-NC.com

So it was a successful day. I don't really have any funny stories or anything except to say that that fat Indian chick makes one hell of a good cappuccino .

Me No Likey.

So there I was. Sweating. Naked. Engaged in sexual activity. One of my favorite things in the universe. And then her hip went out. Not her fault, but damnit. Now my balls are about as blue as a blue whale.

Or you could watch this educational video if you need more help.

But that is another story.

I haven't done much blogging as of late, I've been busy. Let me catch you up on my life since my last post. As you know, I like to post about date night- but we haven't had any crazy ass dates. Damnit. Last night we went to see Zombieland- which was fucking awesome, right up there with Shawn of the Dead in my opinion.

But anyway, other than that. I've been working. A lot. Three jobs. My business, a side business, and I took a job as the Director of Operations at an Engineering Firm. They had a retarded three year old doing their marketing and systems development. Asshats.

Haven't had any really freaky, awesome sex since my last blog. Due entirely to the fact that the Mrs. has injured her back pretty seriously. Sadly, not in a sex related accident. Doing laundry in fact. Kinda sucks how you get hurt doing ordinary shit, and not fighting tigers or something. Oh well.

I moved the location of the business as I just couldn't afford the high rent. Now I have a better location with a better deal- so I'm happy about that.

Anniversary Update: You stuck what where?

It was awesome little dudes.

Yesterday was our ninth or tenth anniversary, depending upon which country we are in. See, to get her visa into China I had to say we were married. So all of the paperwork in China says that we were married 10 years ago. However, we officially got married nine years ago in America.

I went to a great deal of trouble to make sure that I didn't have to work last night and booked somebody to sit for the kid.

I even walked in the door with a dozen roses. She seemed to like them, good sign.

When the sitter arrived we hot tailed it to PF Chang's for dinner before the movie. Had a few drinks and dinner- it was great. Here things loosened up nicely and the evening was off to a great start- with which I was well pleased.

Then we walked over to the theatre to see the Hangover. It was awesomely hilarious, I highly recommend it. We also had a couple of beers in the theatre.

Upon walking to back to the car, we snuck around between buildings to make out while hiding from the security guard.

We went home, I took the sitter home (no, I didn't bust a move on her- she's our oldest daughters 15 year old best friend. That's just sick. Also, never fuck the help. They stop helping.)

Then the games began. To make a long, two straight hours of fucking, story short, well, I'm not going to tell you exactly what we did for two hours- but here is a materials list:

What tools do you need for a glorious anniversary?

Two ropes, one gag, one blindfold, and two dildos.

Also, important discovery: I do not like things stuck in my ass. Not at all. It's official.

Oddly enough, I woke up today with no hangover whatsoever and I have a very good idea of what took place last night. This will go down as a great anniversary with a great deal of sexual experimentation. It was awesome.

What's he doing to that poor orangutan?

Sorry I haven't been the most prolific of writers this summer- it's been crazy. Not the, "holy shit look how drunk he is, what's that he's jammed up his ass and what is he doing to that poor orangutan" crazy.










No, more like the "fuck, I'm busy as hell and we've traveled a lot" crazy. Speaking of traveling a lot, I just got back from our annual vacation in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl.

As some of you who follow me on twitter know, though I did get laid, I didn't get laid nearly as much as I would have liked. You see, there was a small problem with having the youngest kid sleeping in the same room with us. Now I know what you're thinking- the same thing I am to be sure-

Who the fuck cares? She was asleep right?

Well, for parts of the trip the Mrs. didn't see eye to eye with us (us meaning me and you- not a third party in the bedroom.... Unless you want to join us in the bedroom. Then there is a rigorous interview process in which I film myself sticking my winky into your dinky repeatedly and see what the wifey thinks. Probably won't go over so well.)

You know, I want to get a beer right now, but I think I'll hold off and go to the book store in a bit. Anyway....back to the story. I was distracted thinking about winkies and dinkies.

So anyway, she didn't wanna fuck with the kid asleep right there in the little bed next to us. I said, "but honey schnookums lovey bunny, don't you remember that time we got drunk and were naked fucking on the kitchen counter and she walked in and asked us where our pajamas were? I know it was completely mortifying and we probably scarred her for life, in fact I personally am scarred by it, but let's forget about that right now."

She didn't buy my argument at first. But then one morning I woke her up at 3:47AM by rubbing her cookie and she said, "you sonofabitch. If I can't get back to sleep after this I am going to kill you. I mean really, with a salad spoon."

So I took that to mean, "come on baby, I'm so hot and horny for you that I can barely stand it and I want you to cum on my tits right now you dirty bad boy!" So I hopped on and was done by 4:10AM.

After she made sure that I got a bit of nookie before we went to sleep just so I would leave her alone. I consider that to be one of life's major successes. It was like we had a respectful and loving marital discussion where we talked about out thoughts, wants, needs, and deepest desires and then we made them happen. She wanted to sleep and I wanted pussy. It was beautiful, really.

It was a good thing we came to that accord- I was about to wrap the chihuahua up in duct tape and turn it into a fi fi.

But enough about that, let's talk about the rest of the vacation- it was great!

In summary, we saw a couple of movies, ate out a lot, and generally hung out with her family (I like them by the way) and had fun. The two highlights of the trip were going to a vineyard that makes wine out of various fruits such as starfruit, mango, etc. It is extraordinarily awesome, check it out at http://www.schneblywinery.com/. It's in Homestead, Fl. We did a wine tasting and then got a bottle to just sit around and drink. It was super sweet.

Later that same day we went with my sister- in- law to the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Fl. Here they have a piano bar, an Irish pub, a few clubs, a comedy club, a bunch of shops, a billiards bar... it was great.

The two girls got fairly schnockered while I stayed sober to drive home. I did have a beer or two- but only that. I was hoping to get them drunk enough for a threesome- but that didn't happen. Oh well. Probably because the Mrs. told me on no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to try to stick my dick in any of her sisters. This was an agreement very early on in our relationship.

Cut to a flashback from ten or so years ago. Imagine me younger, better looking, more muscular, and still with that vibrant smile of youth not yet beaten out of me by life. Imagine my wife still hot as balls- just like she is now....

I said, "so wait a minute- you're saying that it would be weird for me to stick my dingy in your sisters pinky?"

And she said "yes, I am saying that you cannot do whatever the fuck you just said."

Then I said, pointing to another lady across the store we were in, "what about her? Can I stick my doodle in her diddle?"

The Mrs. said, "I'm going to kill you with a salad spoon." So I let it drop. I feel we discussed that adequately and the answer is a resounding hell no on both counts. This shall not be revisited.

Later she pointed out a woman who looking like a cross between Lars Ulrich and Chewbacca and said I could pop her pokey if I could get past the fur. I thought about it and declined.

Okay, that whole thing about fucking her sister and chewy didn't really happen. I was just making conversation.

Back to our present story.


So we had a great night drinking and partying at the hard rock, and then went home. I did get some poontang (the Mrs.) that evening and it was lovely, I assure you.

Then I flew back up here and have spent this past week working 10 hour days while they hung out for one more week. The girls were thinking about staying all summer down there, but I'm really, really glad that they are not.

San Francisco

I'm back! And we had an absolutely wonderful time! The Mrs. and I went to SF on Friday, she stayed until Tuesday, and I stayed until Sunday on business. The business part was highly productive, but let's focus on the important part- the part with the Mrs. We had a great time! I for one, and I think the Mrs. as well, was thrilled to be of adventuring together again! It was great!

Thanks to my new friend the Swin Flu, we were able to both go for the price of what it usually costs me to go by myself. I even at some pork in it's honor.

So here is the run down. We got in Friday night and ate dinner somewhere on the Wharf strip. I got us a room at the Radisson Hotel on the Wharf as well. We had sex, it was awesome. This time mostly consisting me giving a "mustache ride."

Saturday morning we toured pier 39 before it opened up. We also hung out and watched the Sea Lions for about an hour. It was fun once you got into their little culture.

Next we went to China Town. We had fun getting a bunch of chincy junk for the kids- but they loved it so the purpose was well served. We also had an excellent lunch of Mabu Dofu and Kung Pow Chicken. It was excellent. Unfortunately, of all of the excellent (and I mean excellent) Pilsners is China, the only one you can find anywhere in the states is Tsing Doa. Oh well.

We then walked to Little Italy and sat at an Irish Pub for a pint. There we spoke to a girl who had lived in Germany. She was a fun, loquacious lesbian who was great fun to talk to. Even with her bad teeth. Though I do admit that I found myself trying and failing to not look at her missing tooth.

For dinner we wondered over to Ghirordelli Square and went to a super fancy seafood restaurant there called McCormick and Kuleto's. It was GOD AWFULLY FUCKING HORRID. Jesus Fucking Christ, it was so bad we just started laughing. I alone spent $30 on three, small, overcooked scallops. We laughed so hard we just paid and continued to laugh as we walked out the door. From there we paid ass loads of money for a Miller light and then went home.

All and all a great day. Even the shitty expensive food. We had sex. It was awesome. This time consisting of some good ole fashioned fucking.

On Sunday we went to the Asian Museum of Arts- very cool. We also had a surprisingly delicious lunch there. From there we walked up to little Saigon and had a donut and coffee. There we were privileged to witness a regular customer verbally attack the lady behind the counter regarding a straw. It was fucking hilarious. From there we went to the Golden Gate Park where we walked through the Japanese Tea Garden. From there we walked to my absolute favorite Chinese Restaurant in the Western World:

The Yan Yan Seafood Restaurant
2241 Judah St
(between 27th Ave & 28th Ave)
San Francisco, CA 94122
(415) 661-5122

This place is fucking awesome. Now, this is coming from a guy who used to live in China. The decor here is just like a real Chinese joint, only the seafood is in tanks instead of Tupperware bins. The food is absolutely awesome. I recommend that you get something weird.

Then we went to the beach just outside of Golden Gate Park to watch the Sunset. I fucking froze my balls off, but it was worth it as this was the very reason that the Mrs. wanted to go to SF. She wanted to see the sunset over the pacific. It was my pleasure to make this happen for her.

Then we went to the hotel and had sex. It was awesome. This time we started off from behind and went on from there.

Monday. We went to Japan Town and toured the Japan Town Center. There we got a bunch of Manga Comics for oldest kid. Then we went to the Golden Gate Bridge and took some pics. From there we went back to the hotel and ate at a burger joint. Then we had sex. It was awesome.

Tuesday I dropped her off at the airport and went to work.

I had a great time and I sincerely hope that she did as well.