$200 Extravaganza of Sordid Lust and Appetizers

Date Night. A Friday tradition. It began innocently enough.

The Mrs. and I decided to go downtown to a little restaurant called Zambria. It's one of those places that serves a vast array of appetizer sized servings of gourmet grub. We decided to start off with a BBQ shrimp dish, some olives, and bread with olive oil. Absolutely delicious.

However, part one of the debauchery was about to begin. I ordered a Manhattan (for those of you who don't know it's basically a sweet martini with whiskey instead of gin) and the wife ordered a glass of wine. Not a big deal accept for the fact that all day I had only eaten a hot dog and she had only eaten an egg salad sandwich. A fact that both of us neglected to consider until we were both almost completely smashed within five minutes. I ordered another manhattan and fuck it- she ordered the whole bottle of wine. An organic chardonnay. Very nice.

Round two of the grub. Mushrooms and soy beans (absolutely incredible), and scallops (I absolutely LOVE scallops and these did not disappoint). Still working on manhattan #2 and wine glass #2 respectively.

This place was set up as sort of a cellar. We got there at around 5:30PM and got a choice seat in the corner. A table for two with a wrap around booth covered in pillows. At a certain point in time I decided to try to take a picture of the room. Not realizing that a blackberry storm has a very, very bright camera light. I flash blinded the whole room. Well done on my part.



Round three of the grub. Pork belly (astonishingly delicious), and mountain stream trout (wow. All I can say). Here comes Manhattan #3 and glass of wine #3 as well. We are completely trashed by now and having the best time ever talking. Mostly about sex. Drunk, laying on pillows, talking about sex, dark room. Things were getting good.

Desert. A piece of flour less chocolate cake. It was so good that we ordered another piece to take home. We finished the bottle of wine. It was now 10:30, so we decided it was time to leave- wink wink, nudge nudge. I almost forgot- at some point in time we both had to go to the bathroom and made out in the hallway. Don't tell anybody. Also, I am presently eating some of that cake as I write. Don't tell anybody.

The bill was $140. We left a $50 tip. Kate was great. We got the hell out of there. We walked back to the parking lot, got to the car where I opened the door for her. But you know, I decided I wasn't ready to do any driving just yet. So I grabbed her and kissed her deeply on the lips. There we are in the parking garage downtown, making out like a couple of high school kids. It was great.

Unfortunately, we came somewhat to our senses and realized that we couldn't quite finish what we had started right there. So we went for a drive. From downtown out to the sticks. Within 20 minutes we found a vacant quiet little, pitch black camp site on the side of the road and stopped. We got out, and opened the back of the SUV and well, we didn't waste any time. We had sex in the car, on the car, next to the car, and everywhere else we could think.

We decided to finish up at home, so we got back into the car to drive. I wasn't wearing a shirt, and I had my pants around my thighs with my seat belt on in the drivers seat. Just as we are pulling out, a police car pulls up. In this light, I decided that maybe road head wasn't the best idea, so I pulled my pants all the way up and drove. If he had pulled up less than a minute earlier he would have caught me with my pants around my ankles and the Mrs. bent over the hood of the car. Would have been quite a sight. We would have had to ask him to jump in to avoid getting arrested I guess.

Wait, I'm still topless. FUCK. That was a $65 shirt. Honey, we're going back. I pulled into a side street and went around back to double check- fortunately I had thrown the shirt into the back of the car. Good. The cop didn't follow us and I didn't want to go back. It's a good thing he couldn't see into my cab when he pulled up. We'd be in jail for public indecency. the worst part is that we wouldn't be in the same cell- so we wouldn't have been able to continue the indecency.

We went home. Upon walking inside, we told the older kid to put our leftovers in to the fridge and we ran back off to the bedroom and locked the door. There we did everything we could think of for about two more hours. A little of this, a little that, some toys, and a whole lot of lube. Good times. Good times.

I hope to god that every date night from here on out is just like this.

Huh...

We all create personas. The other day I was just about to post something on this blog that I thought was really funny. I read it aloud and got "you know that the people who read that blog think you are sensitive and won't like what you have written." So I edited it out of the post. What the fuck is that shit about?

I created this blog for one simple reason. To post what ever the fuck I wanted. Damn everybody. Now all of a sudden, by expressing my actual thoughts I have built something that is a specific persona? I have been typecast? Well. Fuck you. I am going to write whatever the fuck I want for me. If you would like to read what I have to say please do. If you don't like it then you can go fuck a duck. Be careful- they are mean bastards.

Let's face it. I'm crass. I'm an asshole. I say things in a sarcastic fashion designed to be funny to me- but most people don't' really get where I'm coming from. I don't care. I spend most of my life being something for where ever I am- but very little of it being what I actually am as a whole.

Therefore, I shall reassert myself. I am going to write whatever I Goddamn well please. If you like it that's fine, if you don't that's fine too. But quite frankly, I have nowhere else to speak.

On Real Sexuality

Women are absolutely incredible. You know, our society likes girls in their late teens and early twenties. They are nice and firm and all- but they have yet to learn the art of being a women. They have yet to learn to be sensuous. They have yet to learn to smile just right, to have the depth of personal awareness in their eyes. They are but playful dryads, frolicking about with no real thought nor intention beyond the pleasure of the moment. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact it is necessary to grow, but it is just sex- not sexuality. A woman understands the art of sexuality. A woman understands exactly what they are getting into, what they like, what they need. A woman may not be as firm, may have a few more wrinkles, may even have a couple of extra pounds- but these are not things that you look past the see beauty. These things are beauty.



A woman understands joy and laughter, pain and disappointment. A woman understands pride and shame. These are the things that make her intelligent, worldly, and experienced. Every wrinkle, every curve, every little quirk of her body makes a woman beautiful. These are the things that show that she has earned the right to be a woman. These are the things that take the beauty of her youth and compliment it with understanding and knowledge. A real woman has been broken and rebuilt a thousand times over. This experienced woman is truly sexy.

This is the woman who has depth in her eyes, awareness in her smile, and deep passion in her body. This is the woman that understands sexuality, understands how to move and just where to touch. She knows exactly what you want and how to almost give it to you- but then take it away. She knows how to open herself to you, but only just- just enough for you to want more, and never get it. These are not the silly games of a silly girl- this is just what a woman is. She has no time for games, she simply is sensuality, she is sexuality. Is it any wonder that men want to stare? Is it any wonder that we are driven completely mad by the desire to be with you? Is it any wonder that you turn our heads as you walk by?

When an intelligent, educated, attractive man is visibly enamored by your beauty, lustfully admiring your body, you should feel complimented- not offended. He sees more depth than you might think. He sees the way you walk, the way your hips slide under your dress. He sees the subtle hint of your nipples- even through the sweater that you don’t think he can. Don’t be embarrassed- you are magnificent. He sees the slight fold between your legs, barely hinting at things left unseen. He sees how much care you have put into your hair, your nails, your make up- but he also knows about what is underneath and that is what is truly sexy to him. Your attempt hide the true beauty of your face is part of the allure, part of what makes him really want to see you.

He wants to catch your eye, because he wants to look into them. He wants to see you. He smells the way you smell, from further away than you think. He wonders what you really smell like. He wants nothing more than to be with you, the complete person that you are, if just for a little while.

You Can’t Kill Me Mother Fuckers!!!!!!

Samuel L. Jackson. The Long Kiss Goodnight. Great Movie.



You know how some people are able to take whatever life throws at them and always have a positive view of things? I follow a tweeterer who strikes me as being that way- I really enjoy reading her tweets for that very reason. She seems like a wonderful person with a generally positive life view. Do not mistake her positive outlook for naiveté nor foolishness. Other people take whatever life gives them and give up because it’s too hard.

I’m neither of those people. I’m more the “FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! YOU CAN’T FUCKING KILL ME YOU GOD DAMN SHIT FLINGIN’ BABOON!” Or something to that effect. I’m more of a dark side of the force kinda guy when it comes to dealing with life in general. Life is pain. Life is hard. Bad shit happens to good people. Not because the universe is cruel, not because it’s kind. It just is. I firmly believe that your ability to look life square in the eye and spit in it’s face is a key component to getting along. This doesn’t mean that you to be a prick. Cruelty is the mark of an immature selfish mind. When a tiger kills it is not out of cruelty. It is because that is what tigers do. It is because the tiger must survive. Nothing more.

It is through mastering our passions that we can become free of them. This means that they must be explored. Take sexuality for instance. Why is sex considered taboo? It is a natural process. It is what we do, what we are made for. Sex is in fact our sole purpose in life. The purpose of any species is to continue, to survive. So why should the process of continuation not be perfected? Why should it be hidden? Sex should be celebrated, explored, shared, and perfected. To do anything else would be to deny what we are made to do. As the actual purpose of our existence, sex is more than just procreation. It has deeper meaning. Sex can be recreational, it can be passionate, it can be an expression of love, it can be an expression of hate. But no matter what it must be personally explored. To hide from it is to hide from who and what you actually are. If you exist in a physical body you are a sexual being.

Here I sit down at the horse farm. Listening to the wife talk to her mommy. Watching the four year old play with the dish water. Hello Kitty cartoons playing on the tv. Got laid this morning. Life is good.

Got laid this morning. It was a catastrophe. I completely fucked it up. I didn’t do enough foreplay and then I finished before she did. Terrible and unacceptable. A man’s worth in bed is measured by his ability to please his partner. She deserves better from me. I shall aspire to do better next time. In fact, I always aspire to do better- this time it just didn’t work out. She started running her finger nails up the side of my back and I went off like a loaded gun. Whoops. Can’t win ‘em all I guess.

Now for the real post...

I picked up an audio cd called marriage fitness by Mort Fertel (sp?). It actually has some pretty good stuff in it- the main theme being to "put love first." It sounds cooler when he says it. From me any statement about love comes out rather lame.

As a man raised in the southeastern US that played sports I was always taught to be strong, tough, and that men should swallow their feelings to get the job done. Well, I've been unknowingly following this conditioning for years and it isn't working. I work my ass off and sacrifice so much for those that I am supposed to provide for only to realize that they seem to think that I mostly go off and play all day. Jesus, that would be great- but no. To be honest, if it wasn't for the wife and kids I would still be a happy ex patriot in China or Japan. I honestly never would have come back. But China is no place to raise a family. Well, unless you're Chinese.

Anyway, enough whining. Back to Mort. He has eight suggestions for marriage fitness. My favorites are:

1. Talk about non logistical stuff 5 times a day for at least a minute each time.
2. Take the time at least once a week to talk face to face about non logistical matters.
3. Touch lovingly five times a day.
4. Give 3 times a day to your spouse. Doesn't have to be a thing.
5. Schedule quarterly love retreats with only your spouse.

I have begun implementing this program. I am probably violating his copyright stuff by posting this- but I think it's awesome. You should buy it.

I am going to attempt to take the mrs off on a love retreat this week. We'll see how it goes.

My Take on Swinging.

Have you ever wanted to fuck one of your wifes friends? I want to want to fuck one of my wifes friends. The thing is, none of them are sexy to me. It would be great to have somebody to spank it to that I know. Just sayin. But alas, I'm stuck with pie in the sky beauties that are rather boring.

Honestly, I dont even think my wife would care if I wanted to fuck one of her friends. I need to find a way to get her hotter friends. She has one who is completely fucking nuts. And this from a guy who has a theory that all women are crazy and all guys are stupid. The question is does her crazy match your stupid? But no, she is like hanging from the monkey bars drooling on herself batshit crazy as a bag of cats. I'm just not there yet.

Other friends are great people- but obese. Obese chicks don't make me want to flog the dolphin. Also, who wants to fantasize about somebody who is a generally nice person? She's not the kind of girl that you can dress in chaps and a girdle, tie to the ceiling fan and stick your winky in every time she flings by.



Then there is the friend who is always wanting to keep up with the Joneses. What the fuck is that shit? And why is nothing in our neighborhood ever good enough for her? I'm glad they moved. Her husband is a nice guy- but I want to punch her in the face. That might interfere with my chances of doing dirty things to her behind his back. Unless she likes getting punched in the face- which she might- but that's not really my thing.

Ouch.....My Head.....

Right now I'm getting a lap dance from a four year old. This is not my idea of a good time.

There seems to be a law of the universe that Einstein forgot:

When a charged particle moves through a magnetic field B, it feels a force F given by the cross product:

(F x V)q = Delta B

F= Child's foot
q= Electrical charge of the foot
V= Velocity vector
B= My balls

Thereby proving that a child's foot is in fact magnetically drawn to a man's testicles.



or

Newton's second law

Lex II: Mutationem motus proportionalem esse vi motrici impressae, et fieri secundum lineam rectam qua vis illa imprimitur. The change of momentum of a body is proportional to the impulse impressed on the body, and happens along the straight line on which that impulse is impressed. A small child's impulse is to kick men in the balls.

F= MA

F= How much force the foot hits my balls with
M= The mass of the child hitting said balls
A= The amazing amount of acceleration that said child can develop in a very short distance.



However, that isn't what I was talking about when I said Ouch, My Head.

Fearless and intrepid followers, this may come as a shock given what you know about me. I have a hangover. Last night was wonderful and I do not regret having said hangover in the least. Please sit back and enjoy my tail. I mean tale.

It all started when I got off of work early. No clients showed up so I left. The girls were at Goodwill (a surprisingly great place to shop) looking for Easter dresses so I met them there. We then went to Applebee's for dinner as it is across the street from the Goodwill.

The wife and I shared a meal and had a few drinks. We had a great conversation about who knows what and I mildly flirted with the obese waitress. Then we came home to tweet and facebook- sharing each others comments as we wrote them, laughing and being silly. The game of course being who can say the cleverest thing.

Then we went back to the bedroom. I'll leave the rest to your imagination, but the hour and a half romp in the hay that followed was the legendary stuff of legend. I'm a little sore this morning and I like it. This is not uncommon for us.

We've broken three beds in the past couple of years. So we got a metal framed bed since wood is too fragile. The bed hasn't broken- but I did give her sexual whiplash a couple of weeks ago. Now I have to be careful not to fuck her so hard since it still hurts. I have to do more teasing these days. At least for a little bit. Last night she only came two or three times. I generally prefer five or six more in an hour and a half time frame. But I'll take what I can get.

In conclusion I for one had a wonderful night.

Spring Break Vacation, here we come!

Going to the Gainesville Horse Farm for vacation.

I've never really been a horse person. You know how some people just seem to take a shine to horses? Not me. In fact, I'm not really a pet person at all. Don't get me wrong, I like animals- I just don't really want to have one. The girls have various pets- presently a cat named Reepacheep, a fish named Red, and a chihuahua named Opal- and I don't mind helping out with them. But if left to my own devices I wouldn't have any pets. Sure as hell not a horse.

However, I do like to be at the horse farm as I enjoy the scenery. Horses are great so long as I don't have to do anything but look at them.




It's hard to slow down to the pace of absolute zero- takes me about two days to do it. I have to bring some work with me so I can be lived with, but none of my usual 12 hour days.

Maybe I'll see if there's some horny little "horse lady" that wants to get frisky behind the barn. That would be fun. I've fantasized about shagging a hotty in the barn for a while. I can't talk the wife into it- not clean enough she says. That's part of the point silly girl.

But all is not lost. We do like to partake in other activities.




Eagle Rare is my favorite sipping bourbon. We like to spend at least one evening sitting on the back porch smoking cigars.

Also, my nephew lives nearby. He has started taking karate- I really want to come by and see what he's learning. I also want to do a drive through at UF. I admit to being a dirty oldish man. College girls in the summer time. Running around. Playing frisbee. Walking to classes.

It is so wrong that I want to admire the beauty of the female form? The work of art that is woman? The sensuous beauty. The seductive allure. The playful smile. The captivating smell. What's not to like?

Shit, who am I kidding. If I wanted those things I would look at a 3o or 40 something woman. Driving through a college campus is strictly to look at shaking titties and asses. A 21 year old girl doesn't know what she's doing. She doesn't know the art of being a woman.

Oh yeah, I have begun a new sexual drought. I am now on day two. The other day the wife got nice and drunk and decided that she did in fact want to partake in a little nookie. She entered the bedroom and offered forth those delicate words that all southern men know so well

"I'm so drunk...." She is not without a sense of humor.

And the rest is history. A memory that I like to revisit often, but history none the less.

Anyway- this shall be my vacation!

Asses and Elbows

Check out our new digs.





Exhibit A:

New Jeans: $100.00

Maid Service for clean floor: $150 (notice that you can notice the floor.)

Monthly cost of Pre K for wifely sanity: $180

Wife works her ass off to loose unwanted pounds: No money, lots of hard work and discipline on her part.

Smokin' hot wife with a totally sweet ass: Priceless. Well, not really- but worth every damn penny, moment of discipline, and then some.

Wife smiles at me when she walks over to me in a store: Absolutely Priceless. And, WOW.






Exhibit B:

New shirt: $35 (for a fucking T shirt. Jesus.)

New Pants: $100

New belt buckle: $25

New shoes: $20 at walmart (yeah- I can upgrade here a bit.)

The look on every woman's face when I walk by and smile at them: I have a boner.

The smile my wife gives me when she walks over to me in the store: Absolutely priceless. And I have a boner. I get a beautiful, intelligent, funny, and incredibly sexy woman. Who likes sex and cooking. Fuck yeah!



Well, I'm working on it. I know that buying her stuff won't win her back to me, but it sure as hell is a start. I also purchased some new aftershave with her approval. I want to be sexy to her again. I want to rekindle a brand new romance. As silly as it seems, I think changing my look and smell will help. Plus I like it anyway.


I know, I'm pathetic. Don't care. Several of my friends are in their 60's and divorced 1-3 times. Each one of them is this way because they chose to nurture their careers over their relationships and none of them are happy. Wealthy, but not happy. I think I can do both. Build a brand new relationship with my wife and still be successful. I think that by focusing on her first I will in fact be more successful in business anyway. Thumbs up.


Now I'm taking the family to Florida for Easter. We're going to Gainesville for the weekend, coming back for my court date on Wednesday, and then we're going to go somewhere else. I don't know where. We might just get in the fucking car and drive. We might even come back....

Welcome to Sunday Morning

So here I sit on Sunday Morning. Sick but recovering child is finished blowing chunks. Now she is up to her usual antics. This is good.





This picture has no bearing on anything in particular but if you're like me you were a big Mr. T fan back when he was cool. I know I was a big A Team fan back in the day. It's remotely interesting to me that now I have little to no interest in tv. I sometimes try to follow a show or two- but I generally only last a couple of episodes before I lose interest.


Day 4 of my nookie dry spell. Not sure what to do with myself. I do tai chi religiously every morning and have for 20 years, but it's just not getting me off in that special let me pin you to the bed while you buck and scream in a good way kind of way. The Mrs. is even wearing some super sexy new clothes just to torment me. Nothing fancy- just jeans and a t shirt- but still.

Last night we were watching a show on sex. The basic premise of it was that love and lust take place in different parts of the brain and are induced by different chemicals. No shit. I've been a man for a long time now and it is very clear to me the difference between love and lust. It's simple- love takes place in the chest and head while lust takes place elsewhere.

The problem is...

The answer to your problems in not between your legs.

It is not in a new house.

It is not in a new pair of shoes.

It is not in a new city.

It is not in a new lover.

The problem is in you,

and therefore the only place that the answer exists is within you as well.

...........

Or that could all be bullshit and the answer is in fact betweeen your legs. I'm not willing to rule that one out. But the shopping and moving and stuff- nah.

Jesus Fucking Christ

I guess I shouldn't say that in front of the kids. But this blog is not about what I say in front of the kids, now is it. This blog is about my unedited thoughts, feelings, and random musings. So FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'm just sayin'.

I overheard somebody at the store tell somebody else to not use the Lord's name in vain the other day at the store. This has been brewing around in my greasy little brain for a few days now. I'm drinking a cappuccino. That was unrelated.

Back to this Lord's name in vain thing. The universe is. It is like a giant sea with inumerable variables and possibilities. It is also completely logical, but there are so many variables in the equation it is impossible to completely predict everything. Harsh, unforgiving, but logical. Given this concept I don't think that the universe cares what I say. I can use the lord's name in vain as much as I want to goddamnit and it doesn't matter.

However, what does matter is what effect such statements have on me. Are you the kind of person that saying Jesus Fucking Christ makes you feel a certain way? If so, then you will think and therefore behave in a certain way. This behavioral pattern will take you on a certain path and this path effects and is effected by the universe. You are in some way in like with or against the flow of the universe.

What I'm getting at is that there is no finite rule here. It depends completely upon your perspective.

So let's talk about titties.

I like titties.
Because titties are cool.
I like titties, they make me drool.
I like titties.
The way they look.

I like titties, more than reading a book.
I like titties, the bigger the better.

I like titties, even in the ghetto.

I like titties, more than you know.

I like titties, your shirt has to go.

I like titties, show them to me.

I like titties, wait- I've got to go pee.

So....what now?

So. Here I sit. I haven't blogged in a bit. Fortunately, nobody reads this so it's not that big of a deal. Since I am sitting here half drunk, I have a few things to reveal to those of you who are not reading. First, I really, really like sweet martinis. Don't let the sweet part fool you- they are not a girly drink.

Next, naked women are pretty damn awesome in my opinion. I really like hard nipples. What can I say? I'm a realist. Also, I like real womens breasts. Not fake. Not those perky things of an 18 year old child. I mean real breasts.

Next, I have written and erased probably five different blogs since my last posting. Chicken? Maybe. Cowardly? Definitely. I had a lot on my mind as you can surmise from the previous blogs. By the way, as for that I have come to a conclusion. I am going to do everything within my power to change my focus to my marriage. Previously I was focused soley on business. I do not presume to make massive changes with who and what I am- I don't think it's really possible. But I can and have changed my focus. I am now focusing on my marriage. If my wife is too broken down and does not feel the same way I understand but it is out of my hands. She will make the choices that she will make and that is that.

If all she wants to do is go out and shag somebody else and then come home to have a happy marriage and family life that's fine. Hell, me too. I wonder if women can treat sex like men do? Just sex. Everything that everybody has ever told me would say no. But I don't really have any idea. Once again, I'll have to play it by ear. If that is something that she can do I don't give a damn. Any hot chicks interested in a good shagging with me, by the way?

In that regard, I'm concerned that I no longer have the ability to pick up women. I used to be something of a ladies man when I was younger- at least finding a charming young woman for the evening was never a problem for me. Do I still have that ability? I don't know.

So many questions. So few answers. I feel like a punch drunk boxer. Dead kid (uppercut- I'm staggering and can't see straight), business floods in sewage (hook to the head- I go down and get up at the eight count for no reason), best friend fucks me over in business like a sheep behind a fence (ear bit- you fucking cockbag!), bankruptcy (jab, jab, jab, jab- who the fuck is throwing those?) Okay....we're all clear....I see the light at the end of the tunnel...life is shaping up....I become more involved with the family...I implement a friday date night...what else can I do to get life in order? Things are looking up....oh no Tony, you may not have a pony! BAM! "You know, I love you but I'm not in love with you." "I think I might want to leave you because you don't contribute to our realationship."

Laying down in the ring looking up at the lights. Everybody is yelling something. I don't fucking care. Do I want to even get up? The reason I have kept on getting up every other time is now gone.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Now she is home and everything is hunky dorey. Has been for two weeks now. What the fuck does that mean? She says she wants to leave me and then now we are great? BULLSHIT. What the fuck is going on here?

Again, all I can do is work on developing my relationship skills. If she wants to stay with me great, I would be happy. If she does not, that is not great- but I understand. Time will tell.